Broken Mask
Aug. 22nd, 2011 11:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
write_my_dreamsTitle: Broken Mask
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
write_my_dreams
Pairing: Mentions of SakuHai
Genre: Angst, fluff at the end
Warning/Disclaimer: Nothing to warn about. L'Arc~en~Ciel own themselves.
Rating: PG
Chapter(s): 1/1
Summary: Tetsu watches Hyde struggling to cope with Sakura's arrest by hiding his pain behind a mask, and encourages him to stop bottling up his true feelings and let go.
Author's Comment: I wrote this last week when I just needed to write something angsty. My sweet kitty decided he was going to "help" me with writing and put his paw on the backspace key and erased a good three lines of text. Thankfully there is a redo button. I'm having a hard time posting anything so I'll see if this works at all.
Tetsu watched Hyde as he struggled to keep his voice steady. Despite Sakura’s arrest and the uncertainty of their band’s survival, Tetsu had insisted that Hyde and Ken still come to the studio so they could practice. Going to work and practicing were normal events, and the three of them needed to feel that there was still some normality in their lives. Tetsu knew that if he hadn’t scheduled practices all they would do was lie around their apartments thinking, constantly thinking, about Sakura and worrying about what his arrest would do to L’Arc~en~Ciel. Tetsu already had trouble sleeping because of those thoughts and he spent hours of every night staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom as if it would give him the answers to his questions. How long would Sakura be in jail? What would happen to L’Arc~en~Ciel? Would they be able to find a new drummer?
The bassist pushed the thoughts away and forced himself to concentrate on the song, but he found it difficult to do so when Hyde was struggling so much. His voice kept breaking and he clung to the mic stand as if it was the only thing keeping him on his feet. Hyde, as Sakura’s lover, had been the hardest hit by the arrest. His relationship with Sakura and how this would affect Hyde were other questions that kept Tetsu up at night. Despite the emotional shock of finding out that his lover was using heroin and had been arrested, Hyde had managed to remain strong. He was doing his best to help Tetsu and Ken keep L’Arc~en~Ciel running, but no one could be strong forever. Tetsu knew, even though he could only see the singer’s back and not his face, that Hyde had tears welling up in his eyes. Tears he wouldn’t shed because then his strength would fail and he’d give in to his misery. Hyde had worn a mask ever since Sakura’s arrest, but cracks were appearing in that mask and it would break apart soon.
Ken set his guitar aside after he finished playing the last notes and looked at Tetsu, jerking his head towards Hyde in a silent order to go to the singer. They both knew that practice couldn’t continue until Tetsu had spoken to him. The mask needed to break. “I’m going to get a drink. Do you two want anything?”
Tetsu set his bass on its stand. “I’m not thirsty.”
“Hyde?”
“I’m fine,” the singer said, head bowed as he continued to hold on to his mic stand.
Ken cast one last worried glance at Hyde before exiting the room, closing the door behind him and leaving Tetsu alone with Hyde. He walked up to the singer and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Can we talk?”
“About what?” Hyde asked.
Tetsu turned him around and pulled him into his arms. “You.”
Hyde tensed a little and ducked his head, but it was too late. Tetsu had seen the tears shining in his eyes. “What about me? I’m fine.”
“No you’re not.” Tetsu kept one arm around Hyde’s waist so he couldn’t squirm away and gently turned his face up with his free hand. What Hyde needed right now was a friend. A friend who would listen to him, comfort him, and not judge him for breaking down. “You have tears in your eyes, but you’re too stubborn to cry. Your voice shakes in songs that Sakura composed or in songs that remind you of him, but you keep singing even though it hurts you. I can see how miserable you are even though you’re trying to hide it.”
Hyde shook his head. “I’m okay, Tet-chan. I’m not going to start crying on your shoulder like a girl in a cheesy movie.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not weak!”
Tetsu couldn’t deny that statement. Despite his fragile appearance, Hyde was one of the strongest people he knew. Still, he didn’t agree with the singer’s words. “Since when have you ever believed that tears make you weak?” They all cried – when they were moved by the fans during a live, during songs, when they were emotional… he’d broken down last night over the stress and uncertainty caused by Sakura’s arrest, but he didn’t think that made him weak. It was normal for a person to cry when they were upset.
Hyde sighed. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to cry.”
Tetsu pressed him closer. “Why not? You know that crying doesn’t make you weak. I’ve never thought you were weak and I’m not going to change my mind if you do cry, Hyde. You’re only going to make yourself feel worse if you continue to bottle your emotions inside you. I know you’ll feel better if you just let the tears fall.”
Hyde’s eyes were still bright with tears as he shook his head. “I don’t want to cry,” he whispered, voice breaking again. “If I do… I-I won’t stop.” He looked up at Tetsu, eyes pleading with him to help keep the tears away. Normally those big brown eyes had Tetsu under their spell, but not today. Hyde needed to break his mask and let go.
“Then I’ll hold you until the tears stop. You aren’t alone in this, Hyde. Ken and I are here. We’re your friends and we want you to be happy again, so just let go. You don’t need to hide your pain behind a mask anymore.” Tetsu smiled a little as he brushed the singer’s hair back. “You won’t be ‘like a girl from a cheesy movie’ if you cry on my shoulder.”
Hyde managed a weak smile as Tetsu repeated his earlier words. “Promise?”
“I promise.” Tetsu felt cruel for saying his next words, but knew it had to be done. “Sakura wouldn’t want to see you torture yourself like this.”
Those last words were what finally pushed Hyde over the edge. His eyes overflowed with moisture and tears started spilling down his cheeks. He was quiet at first, but the tears started to flow faster and his breath started catching in his throat as the emotions he’d bottled up for so long overwhelmed him. He flung his arms around Tetsu’s neck and buried his face in the bassist’s shoulder as his small body shook with sobs. The mask had finally broken beyond repair and he couldn’t hide behind it any longer. Tetsu simply stroked his hair and held him, understanding that Hyde didn’t need words to comfort him.
“I d-don’t know what to do,” Hyde whispered, voice muffled. “I love Sakura… but he hid his heroin use from me.” He clutched Tetsu tighter. “How couldn’t I have seen it?”
“Sometimes we blind ourselves to flaws in the ones we love,” Tetsu said quietly. “Sakura made sure to hide his drug use from you and the rest of us. He didn’t want anyone to know about the heroin.”
“But I’m his lover!” Hyde retorted, a hysterical edge to his voice. “He should have told me!”
“He should have, but Sakura loves you more than anything. He wouldn’t want to drive you away with drugs.”
“What if he loves heroin more than he loves me?” Those words brought on a fresh wave of sobs, and Tetsu continued to stroke Hyde’s hair until he’d calmed down enough to speak again.
“I’m not Sakura so I can’t answer that. I can’t tell you why he uses heroin and why he never told you about it. Those are questions you need to ask him. But I don’t think Sakura loves a drug more than he loves you. You mean the world to him, Hyde.”
“I don’t know what to do,” Hyde whispered helplessly, echoing his earlier words. “How can I stay with him after this?”
“I don’t know, Hyde. That’s something you’ll have to decide for yourself,” Tetsu said gently. He knew how much Sakura loved Hyde. His arrest hadn’t changed the depth of his feelings for the singer, but their relationship had changed. Sakura had hidden his drug use from Hyde, and the singer would never be able to trust him as much as he had before all this had happened. Tetsu had a feeling that Hyde would leave Sakura. Love and trust were the foundations of a good relationship. When one couldn’t trust their partner, love would falter.
Hyde managed a shaky nod and didn’t speak after that. As promised, Tetsu held him until he’d cried himself out and continued to run his fingers through Hyde’s hair as the singer panted softly to catch his breath.
“Feel better?” Tetsu looked down at Hyde. His shirt was soaked with tears, but he didn’t care. All that mattered was that Hyde had finally released his emotions.
The singer raised his tear-stained face, eyes red from crying. “I do.” He sniffed and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. Tetsu glanced up as Ken poked his head into the room, looking unsure if now was a good time to enter or not.
“I told you that you would.” He waved Ken over. The guitarist entered the room, carrying a bottle of water that Tetsu assumed was for Hyde.
“You were right. I was bottling too much inside me and hiding behind a mask.” He gave Tetsu a small, weak smile. “Thanks, Tet-chan.” He squeaked as Ken suddenly hugged both of them.
“Finally got our little princess to cry?” Ken chuckled as Hyde gave him a dirty look.
“I cut my hair off two years ago so I’m not your little princess anymore,” the singer huffed. He squirmed free of Tetsu and Ken’s arms so he could dry his tears with his sleeve, cheeks a little flushed since he hadn’t wanted Ken to see him crying.
The guitarist caught his wrist and pulled it away from his face. “It’s okay, Hyde. No one can be strong forever and everyone has to cry sometimes. Do you think I haven’t? L’Arc~en~Ciel is a part of me too and it means a lot to me. So don’t worry, I’m not going to tease you for crying.” He ruffled the singer’s hair and pressed the bottle of water into his hand. “Drink up, I bet you’re thirsty.”
Hyde looked reassured at Ken’s words. “I am thirsty.” He uncapped the bottle and took a few sips.
“Are you feeling better?” Ken asked.
Hyde’s smile wasn’t as weak this time. “I feel better now that I’ve gotten that off my chest.” He felt better, but he wasn’t happy and Tetsu knew he wouldn’t be until he had sorted things out between him and Sakura. It was a start though, and he knew that Hyde wouldn’t hide his true feelings behind a mask anymore.
Author:
write_my_dreamsPairing: Mentions of SakuHai
Genre: Angst, fluff at the end
Warning/Disclaimer: Nothing to warn about. L'Arc~en~Ciel own themselves.
Rating: PG
Chapter(s): 1/1
Summary: Tetsu watches Hyde struggling to cope with Sakura's arrest by hiding his pain behind a mask, and encourages him to stop bottling up his true feelings and let go.
Author's Comment: I wrote this last week when I just needed to write something angsty. My sweet kitty decided he was going to "help" me with writing and put his paw on the backspace key and erased a good three lines of text. Thankfully there is a redo button. I'm having a hard time posting anything so I'll see if this works at all.
Tetsu watched Hyde as he struggled to keep his voice steady. Despite Sakura’s arrest and the uncertainty of their band’s survival, Tetsu had insisted that Hyde and Ken still come to the studio so they could practice. Going to work and practicing were normal events, and the three of them needed to feel that there was still some normality in their lives. Tetsu knew that if he hadn’t scheduled practices all they would do was lie around their apartments thinking, constantly thinking, about Sakura and worrying about what his arrest would do to L’Arc~en~Ciel. Tetsu already had trouble sleeping because of those thoughts and he spent hours of every night staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom as if it would give him the answers to his questions. How long would Sakura be in jail? What would happen to L’Arc~en~Ciel? Would they be able to find a new drummer?
The bassist pushed the thoughts away and forced himself to concentrate on the song, but he found it difficult to do so when Hyde was struggling so much. His voice kept breaking and he clung to the mic stand as if it was the only thing keeping him on his feet. Hyde, as Sakura’s lover, had been the hardest hit by the arrest. His relationship with Sakura and how this would affect Hyde were other questions that kept Tetsu up at night. Despite the emotional shock of finding out that his lover was using heroin and had been arrested, Hyde had managed to remain strong. He was doing his best to help Tetsu and Ken keep L’Arc~en~Ciel running, but no one could be strong forever. Tetsu knew, even though he could only see the singer’s back and not his face, that Hyde had tears welling up in his eyes. Tears he wouldn’t shed because then his strength would fail and he’d give in to his misery. Hyde had worn a mask ever since Sakura’s arrest, but cracks were appearing in that mask and it would break apart soon.
Ken set his guitar aside after he finished playing the last notes and looked at Tetsu, jerking his head towards Hyde in a silent order to go to the singer. They both knew that practice couldn’t continue until Tetsu had spoken to him. The mask needed to break. “I’m going to get a drink. Do you two want anything?”
Tetsu set his bass on its stand. “I’m not thirsty.”
“Hyde?”
“I’m fine,” the singer said, head bowed as he continued to hold on to his mic stand.
Ken cast one last worried glance at Hyde before exiting the room, closing the door behind him and leaving Tetsu alone with Hyde. He walked up to the singer and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Can we talk?”
“About what?” Hyde asked.
Tetsu turned him around and pulled him into his arms. “You.”
Hyde tensed a little and ducked his head, but it was too late. Tetsu had seen the tears shining in his eyes. “What about me? I’m fine.”
“No you’re not.” Tetsu kept one arm around Hyde’s waist so he couldn’t squirm away and gently turned his face up with his free hand. What Hyde needed right now was a friend. A friend who would listen to him, comfort him, and not judge him for breaking down. “You have tears in your eyes, but you’re too stubborn to cry. Your voice shakes in songs that Sakura composed or in songs that remind you of him, but you keep singing even though it hurts you. I can see how miserable you are even though you’re trying to hide it.”
Hyde shook his head. “I’m okay, Tet-chan. I’m not going to start crying on your shoulder like a girl in a cheesy movie.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not weak!”
Tetsu couldn’t deny that statement. Despite his fragile appearance, Hyde was one of the strongest people he knew. Still, he didn’t agree with the singer’s words. “Since when have you ever believed that tears make you weak?” They all cried – when they were moved by the fans during a live, during songs, when they were emotional… he’d broken down last night over the stress and uncertainty caused by Sakura’s arrest, but he didn’t think that made him weak. It was normal for a person to cry when they were upset.
Hyde sighed. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to cry.”
Tetsu pressed him closer. “Why not? You know that crying doesn’t make you weak. I’ve never thought you were weak and I’m not going to change my mind if you do cry, Hyde. You’re only going to make yourself feel worse if you continue to bottle your emotions inside you. I know you’ll feel better if you just let the tears fall.”
Hyde’s eyes were still bright with tears as he shook his head. “I don’t want to cry,” he whispered, voice breaking again. “If I do… I-I won’t stop.” He looked up at Tetsu, eyes pleading with him to help keep the tears away. Normally those big brown eyes had Tetsu under their spell, but not today. Hyde needed to break his mask and let go.
“Then I’ll hold you until the tears stop. You aren’t alone in this, Hyde. Ken and I are here. We’re your friends and we want you to be happy again, so just let go. You don’t need to hide your pain behind a mask anymore.” Tetsu smiled a little as he brushed the singer’s hair back. “You won’t be ‘like a girl from a cheesy movie’ if you cry on my shoulder.”
Hyde managed a weak smile as Tetsu repeated his earlier words. “Promise?”
“I promise.” Tetsu felt cruel for saying his next words, but knew it had to be done. “Sakura wouldn’t want to see you torture yourself like this.”
Those last words were what finally pushed Hyde over the edge. His eyes overflowed with moisture and tears started spilling down his cheeks. He was quiet at first, but the tears started to flow faster and his breath started catching in his throat as the emotions he’d bottled up for so long overwhelmed him. He flung his arms around Tetsu’s neck and buried his face in the bassist’s shoulder as his small body shook with sobs. The mask had finally broken beyond repair and he couldn’t hide behind it any longer. Tetsu simply stroked his hair and held him, understanding that Hyde didn’t need words to comfort him.
“I d-don’t know what to do,” Hyde whispered, voice muffled. “I love Sakura… but he hid his heroin use from me.” He clutched Tetsu tighter. “How couldn’t I have seen it?”
“Sometimes we blind ourselves to flaws in the ones we love,” Tetsu said quietly. “Sakura made sure to hide his drug use from you and the rest of us. He didn’t want anyone to know about the heroin.”
“But I’m his lover!” Hyde retorted, a hysterical edge to his voice. “He should have told me!”
“He should have, but Sakura loves you more than anything. He wouldn’t want to drive you away with drugs.”
“What if he loves heroin more than he loves me?” Those words brought on a fresh wave of sobs, and Tetsu continued to stroke Hyde’s hair until he’d calmed down enough to speak again.
“I’m not Sakura so I can’t answer that. I can’t tell you why he uses heroin and why he never told you about it. Those are questions you need to ask him. But I don’t think Sakura loves a drug more than he loves you. You mean the world to him, Hyde.”
“I don’t know what to do,” Hyde whispered helplessly, echoing his earlier words. “How can I stay with him after this?”
“I don’t know, Hyde. That’s something you’ll have to decide for yourself,” Tetsu said gently. He knew how much Sakura loved Hyde. His arrest hadn’t changed the depth of his feelings for the singer, but their relationship had changed. Sakura had hidden his drug use from Hyde, and the singer would never be able to trust him as much as he had before all this had happened. Tetsu had a feeling that Hyde would leave Sakura. Love and trust were the foundations of a good relationship. When one couldn’t trust their partner, love would falter.
Hyde managed a shaky nod and didn’t speak after that. As promised, Tetsu held him until he’d cried himself out and continued to run his fingers through Hyde’s hair as the singer panted softly to catch his breath.
“Feel better?” Tetsu looked down at Hyde. His shirt was soaked with tears, but he didn’t care. All that mattered was that Hyde had finally released his emotions.
The singer raised his tear-stained face, eyes red from crying. “I do.” He sniffed and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. Tetsu glanced up as Ken poked his head into the room, looking unsure if now was a good time to enter or not.
“I told you that you would.” He waved Ken over. The guitarist entered the room, carrying a bottle of water that Tetsu assumed was for Hyde.
“You were right. I was bottling too much inside me and hiding behind a mask.” He gave Tetsu a small, weak smile. “Thanks, Tet-chan.” He squeaked as Ken suddenly hugged both of them.
“Finally got our little princess to cry?” Ken chuckled as Hyde gave him a dirty look.
“I cut my hair off two years ago so I’m not your little princess anymore,” the singer huffed. He squirmed free of Tetsu and Ken’s arms so he could dry his tears with his sleeve, cheeks a little flushed since he hadn’t wanted Ken to see him crying.
The guitarist caught his wrist and pulled it away from his face. “It’s okay, Hyde. No one can be strong forever and everyone has to cry sometimes. Do you think I haven’t? L’Arc~en~Ciel is a part of me too and it means a lot to me. So don’t worry, I’m not going to tease you for crying.” He ruffled the singer’s hair and pressed the bottle of water into his hand. “Drink up, I bet you’re thirsty.”
Hyde looked reassured at Ken’s words. “I am thirsty.” He uncapped the bottle and took a few sips.
“Are you feeling better?” Ken asked.
Hyde’s smile wasn’t as weak this time. “I feel better now that I’ve gotten that off my chest.” He felt better, but he wasn’t happy and Tetsu knew he wouldn’t be until he had sorted things out between him and Sakura. It was a start though, and he knew that Hyde wouldn’t hide his true feelings behind a mask anymore.
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 04:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 07:29 pm (UTC)But ... really beautiful and hopeful too :3
Really loved this ^.^
Great job (also ... your kitty is cute xD)
no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 07:42 pm (UTC)Glad to hear it!
Thanks (he's so helpful! And he tries to bite me if I keep typing. Very rude of him)
no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 07:54 pm (UTC)That's mean xD
no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 09:08 pm (UTC)He does it while purring though, haha
no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 09:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-27 06:03 am (UTC)It also made me think of myself; I seem to be doing what Hyde did here, only in reverse. It's been happening a lot lately; it's kind of ironic since I made a
privatepost about it a few days ago...Ahem, back to the fic now, I love how you wrote it; Tetsu is a great friend, and Ken is too, though in a different way. I have to say the part where he called Hyde princess made me smile, even though I was feeling a bit sad from the first part of the fic :)
I'm having a hard time picking a fave between this and "A Soldier's Dream" now, lol. But I think I'll choose this, it has a lot of meaning for me ♥
no subject
Date: 2011-08-28 02:02 am (UTC)I hope you can feel better soon. You could try writing poems to help, I wrote this because I was sad and it helped me feel better.
Thank you :) Tetsu, like You, seems like he'd be a great friend to snuggle with if you feel sad. Ken is more the type to cheer you up in a different manner. I'm glad you enjoyed Ken's comment. Hyde took a while to lose his princess look, even though he cut his hair, so I thought it was only fitting XD
I'm happy you enjoy this one so much, even though it made you sad
no subject
Date: 2011-08-28 06:17 am (UTC)I completely agree with that. Lol, I think Hyde will always have a bit of the princess aura in him. He'll always be our little princess to a certain degree ^^
Thank you. I try, but since these are thoughts/feelings that have been repeating for a while now, I can't seem to write anything new. Most of my poems tend to be alike anyway, I need some different inspiration, all Im getting right now is a single line from different poem ideas...
Thank you, it was my pleasure to read it~ I love fics that really make me feel something, wheteher that be joy or sorrow, so ♥
no subject
Date: 2011-08-28 07:40 pm (UTC)He definitely will be. And his princess side comes out on Halloween XD
Oh, I understand. Maybe you could try writing a story and not a poem? The only way I can make myself feel better is with writing... can't give much good advice about anything else. I hope it helps.
I do too
no subject
Date: 2011-08-29 04:09 am (UTC)There's also a small little rant on Gakuhai at the beginning, but it kind of fits in to the theory a bit, so I'll leave it in.Lol, I forgot to mention that in my comment. It totally does, I've loved his costumes~ Halloween's coming up again soon, wonder what the costumes will be this year? :D
I guess it wouldn't hurt to try, thanks for the advice!
no subject
Date: 2011-08-29 06:21 pm (UTC)His costumes are awesome. I hope he'll be a girl again XD
Good luck!
no subject
Date: 2011-09-01 06:15 am (UTC)Me too! XD
no subject
Date: 2011-09-01 02:43 pm (UTC)And that I have more dreams about Gackt x Girly Hyde
no subject
Date: 2011-09-03 12:51 am (UTC)Haha, of course. I wonder if they'll release another volume of MV with Halloween pics again?
no subject
Date: 2011-09-03 02:36 am (UTC)I hope they do!
no subject
Date: 2011-09-03 12:05 pm (UTC)Poor L'Arc nonetheless. I'm glad they've gotten over the real event with success.
I'm lucky my kitty has only wanted to be near my keyboard once, and literally sat on it only when the computer wasn't on >.>
no subject
Date: 2011-09-03 11:49 pm (UTC)Poor L'Arc indeed. I'm glad they have too
My cats love my keyboard. They try to be so helpful. That's good for you then, I wish mine would stay away when I'm writing XD
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Date: 2011-09-04 11:47 am (UTC)Your cat's cute though. I love their little paws. Even if it's on the keyboard haha
no subject
Date: 2011-09-04 06:53 pm (UTC)I do too, I just prefer their little paws to be off my keyboard
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Date: 2011-09-06 10:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-05 07:17 pm (UTC)I just love this fic to death. I'm not even sure what to say. It's simply wonderful, very well done! ^^
no subject
Date: 2011-09-05 08:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-05 10:27 pm (UTC)It was just incredibly sweet! I love fics that focus on the friendship between the members, even more than fics that pair them together as couples. There's just something really heartwarmig about the bond between the four of them. Between Hyde and Tetsu, in particular. I love reading friendship fic about them. <3
I enjoyed reading it! I'll have to read more of your fic, too. This one was lovely!
no subject
Date: 2011-09-06 12:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-05-31 11:31 pm (UTC)I really enjoyed this, and not just because it's Sakuhai, my truest of OTPs. What I liked most, actually, was the depiction of the friendship and band dynamics between the remaining members of L'Arc. It was sweet, and cute, but also touching. I love crying Hyde fics (I love to see him suffer; I guess I'm a sadist when it comes to him) but I enjoy the hopeful tone at the end. Really enjoyable; thanks for writing and posting.
no subject
Date: 2012-06-01 02:31 pm (UTC)I've become totally addicted to writing SakuHai. They just fit so perfectly. That's what I wanted to convey in this fic since I still didn't seem necessary to bring him in. Maybe a flasback of better times, but I think this way works better. Thank you :) I don't mind crying Hyde fics if they're done well (Oh me too, one of my multi-chapters is where he goes through hell. Poor thing) I had to end on a hopeful note instead of more angst because Hyde obviously did recover and move on with his life. You're welcome! Thanks for reading