Breaking the Habit: 4.1/14
Sep. 22nd, 2012 04:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
write_my_dreamsTitle: Breaking the Habit
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write_my_dreamslieben_kameIt’d been two months since Sakura promised to get clean. Hyde watched his lover throw out his kit, heard the sincerity in his voice when Sakura vowed that he’d never use heroin again. Hyde wanted to believe him, but wasn’t sure if he could after the last broken promise to quit heroin. So the bartender searched their apartment daily to see if Sakura was hiding drugs. He never found anything and after two weeks of this, he decided to trust his lover. Especially since Sakura showed no signs that he was using. Things went back to normal after that.
Unfortunately, a drug free Sakura turned out to be a fantasy. Three weeks ago Hyde had found heroin and syringes under the mattress while he’d been cleaning their room. He confronted Sakura with the discovery, and his lover admitted that he still used when he was stressed.
“I thought you were done with this! How many times do I have to tell you to talk to me when you’re stressed instead of stabbing yourself with a needle?”
“I’m sorry, Hyde. I really am. I guess I just… got used to how good heroin made me feel and it’s hard to stay away from it when I feel like hell.”
“You’re turning into a heroin addict.”
“I’m not an addict! I don’t use heroin that often. But you’re right, I don’t need it. I shouldn’t use it when I have you to make me feel better. I swear this is the last time I’ll ever use heroin.” Sakura threw out his drugs again. Hyde was more cynical this time so he wasn’t surprised when his lover came home high that weekend. That day, Hyde knew it would be best if he left Sakura since he had continued to lie to him. But he couldn’t. He loved Sakura too much and still hoped that things could change.
Life spiraled out of control after that. Sakura started spending too much money on heroin and getting high more often despite Hyde’s repeated demands that he quit. Inevitably, he became addicted. Sakura now needed to shoot up multiple times a day just to function and became shaky and agitated when he went too long without a hit. This made their relationship suffer since Hyde was no longer the center of Sakura’s world. Drugs had replaced him.
“What are you making?” The bartender started as Sakura slid his arms around his waist. He’d been lost in his thoughts and hadn’t heard his lover enter the kitchen.
“Curry rice.” Hyde stirred the sauce. “Do you want some?”
“Sure.” Sakura leaned his head against his. “Hyde… I need your help.”
“With what?”
“Heroin. I… I never wanted to admit that I’m an addict.” Sakura had been in denial for ages, insisting that it was just a hobby.
“I can quit whenever I want.”
“Then why don’t you? Why are you still using if it’s ‘so easy’ to quit? Do you enjoy making me worry about you?”
“Of course I don’t.”
“Then why do you keep doing it?! What do I have to do to convince you to quit?”
Sakura never had a good answer. They continued to argue about his heroin use, but Hyde always lost because his lover couldn’t accept that he was an addict. He’d reluctantly come to terms with the truth though.
“I know.” Hyde remembered how hard it was for Sakura to do so. Accepting his addiction had been painful but necessary so he could see what heroin had done to his life.
“I want to quit.” Sakura stroked Hyde’s stomach. “I want my life back – when all I needed was you and a band to be happy. I can’t do it by myself though.” He pressed the bartender closer. “I need your help to make it through the withdrawals.”
Hyde turned around and embraced his lover. “Of course I’ll help you.” Hearing those words were a huge relief. “What do you want me to do?”
“Be there for me. Support me, keep me grounded… remind me why I’m doing this.” Sakura stroked Hyde’s hair. “Everyone reacts differently when they withdraw so I can’t say how I’ll behave. I think having you here will help though.”
Hyde nodded. “When are you doing this?” He’d have to take time off work to look after his lover. Quitting heroin was a long, difficult battle. It took days to get over the worst of the symptoms… then weeks or months to fully recover. Hyde needed to focus on Sakura during the withdrawal period instead of his job.
“This weekend. I already took the time off work.” Sakura gave him an apologetic look. “Sorry it’s such late notice.”
“It’s fine; I should be able to get my shifts covered.” Hyde brushed his hair back. “Are you quitting cold turkey or taking medication?” Sometimes addicts used medications to make it easier to wean themselves off the drug.
Sakura looked uncertain. “I don’t know. I thought about it, but I don’t know what to use or where to buy it. And what if I get hooked on the medication that was supposed to help me quit? I don’t want to swap one addiction for another.”
Hyde nodded. That made sense. “What about rehab?”
Sakura shuddered. Every addict heard horror stories about rehab. “I’d rather quit myself.”
Hyde bit his lip. He wanted to believe in his lover, but Sakura might have to go to rehab to overcome his addiction. “All right.” He pushed his doubts away and smiled. “You can do this.” Withdrawing from heroin put the addict through hell, so he had to be positive and supportive the entire time.
“Yeah… I need to.” Sakura rubbed Hyde’s arms. “It honestly scares me how I don’t care about you sometimes. I just want heroin and shooting up again is all I can think about.” He sighed, looking regretful as he smoothed Hyde’s hair back. “I’m so sorry about our anniversary.”
The bartender winced at the memory. He and Sakura had switched their night shifts with a co-worker so they could spend the evening together. Hyde came home first and changed into a nice outfit, lit candles to make everything romantic, then cooked their favorites for dinner. Sakura came home just in time for dinner – but went straight into the bedroom to shoot up. No kiss, no ‘happy anniversary,’ no ‘I love you.’ All he cared about was heroin. Sakura spent the evening high and wasn’t in the right mental state to properly celebrate. Hyde ended up going to bed early in the guest room since he wasn’t in the mood to look at his drugged out lover. So much for a happy anniversary.
“We’ll have a belated celebration once you’re clean.”
“I’d like that.” Sakura kissed his forehead. “I’ll start limiting my doses so I can last longer without it.”
“Okay.” Hyde laid his head on his lover’s shoulder. Getting over heroin would be hard, but adjusting to life without it would also be difficult. Sakura would continue to face withdrawals and have to resist going back to the needle. But things would eventually be normal again. “I promise I’ll be there for you the entire time.”
“Even if I’m irritable and yell at you?”
Hyde smirked. “I’ll say you’re a jerk and yell back.”
Sakura laughed. “That sounds fair.” His expression turned serious again. “I don’t know how badly I’ll handle going off heroin. All I know is that I’ll be desperate for a hit, but you can’t let me leave the apartment. And don’t let me guilt you into buying heroin. I don’t care how desperate I am… you can’t do it. Even if I’m begging you.”
Hyde frowned. “I would never enable you.”
“I know, but I want you to be prepared. I’ll probably be a different person.”
The bartender nodded. “All right. I promise to keep you inside and away from heroin.” He pressed Sakura closer. “We’ll get you through this. Then you can resume chasing your dreams,” he smiled at his lover. “Don’t let drugs hold you back.”
“I won’t.”
* * *
Sakura decided to begin the withdrawal when he came home from work on Friday. Hyde, as usual, reached the apartment before him. He changed into pajamas and sat on the couch to wait for Sakura. He’d been happy when his lover started working night shifts at the club so they could see each other more often, but now he really appreciated it. They were on the same schedule and wouldn’t have to try to adjust their bodies to something new.
Hyde checked his watch. Almost 8:00… Sakura should be home any minute now. The bartender sighed softly as he looked at the door. If only he had more time to care for his lover. Hyde told his boss that Sakura was ill and he needed some time off to look after him. The man had been understanding, but could only give him four days off because he’d requested vacation time so suddenly. Sakura would still be experiencing withdrawals by the time Hyde had to go back to work, so he’d called Ken and Tetsu to ask them to look after his lover. They agreed, much to Hyde’s relief. Sakura couldn’t be alone during the withdrawal period.
The door opened and a tired-looking Sakura stepped inside. “Hey.”
“How was work?”
“Fine.” Sakura shut and locked the door. “I’m going to have a snack and take my last hit. Then I’m going to bed.” He kicked off his shoes. “I want to get as much sleep as I can before the nightmare begins.”
Hyde nodded. “All right. There’s some onigiri in the fridge if you want that.”
“Perfect.” Sakura ruffled the bartender’s hair and went into the kitchen. Hyde could tell his lover was feeling a little strained already. Work was hard since he had to go hours without heroin. Usually he had to shoot up the minute he was back in the apartment, but he’d been decreasing his drug use all week so he had some time before the cravings took over.
Hyde followed him into the kitchen. “Save one for me.” He hadn’t thought he was hungry, but coming here had proved otherwise.
“Have two.” Sakura handed him two of the rice balls.
“Thanks.” Hyde took a bite out of the onigiri. Sakura nodded and ate his own onigiri. The pair finished off the onigiri and then brushed their teeth.
“I’ll be in our room.”
“All right.” Hyde sighed quietly. Sakura was going to shoot up – something he couldn’t watch. If he didn’t feel too tired, he’d take a shower while his lover was getting high. Sakura was more like himself by the time Hyde rejoined him.
“Come join me after your shower.” The taller man kissed Hyde’s forehead and left the bathroom. “Don’t use all the hot water,” he called.
Hyde chuckled softly. “I’ll try not to.” He closed the door and took his shower. Once he was dry and dressed again, he began brushing his hair. Sometimes it was a pain to have such long hair since he had to wait for it to dry or blow dry his hair. He didn’t bother with the hairdryer today, just toweled it off then went to join Sakura. His lover was lying in bed, looking peaceful. Hopefully that would be the last hit he ever took.
“Did you use all the hot water?”
“I don’t think so.” Hyde smiled a little and joined Sakura on the bed. “We should get some sleep.” His lover would be able to get a few hours of sleep, but he always had to wake up to use more heroin. The amount of times his sleep was disturbed depended on how much heroin he injected.
“In a minute.” Sakura pulled Hyde into his arms and hugged him against his chest. Withdrawals would begin the moment he woke up needing heroin, so they wanted to enjoy these peaceful moments while they could.
Hyde snuggled closer to Sakura. He felt tired now that he was in bed and all warm from his shower. “Wake me up when the cravings start.”
“I will.” Sakura kissed his hair. “I love you.”
Hyde smiled. “I love you too.” He pulled the sheets up over them and was soon asleep in Sakura’s warm arms.
*
“Hey, Yacchan.” Hyde sat down on the edge of the bed and draped a damp cloth over Sakura’s forehead. “How do you feel?”
“Horrible,” Sakura muttered. His cravings woke him up at 2:00 and the withdrawals quickly settled in when he denied his body the drug. It was early evening now and he already had several symptoms. Sakura was anxious and shaky, irritable, had thrown up five times in the last hour, and was getting a fever. Hyde pitied him. Watching addicts go through withdrawals in movies couldn’t compare to seeing it with his own eyes.
Hyde sighed softly. Things were already bad and would only get worse. It took an average of five to ten days for withdrawal symptoms to fade, so Sakura was in for a rough week. “You can make it through this.”
“I know,” the taller man snapped.
“You don’t have to take it out on me.”
Sakura sighed. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Hyde knew that any anger directed at him was caused by withdrawal. He lay down next to his lover and pulled him into his arms, pressing a tender kiss to his forehead. “Try to get some more sleep, okay?” Sleep was the only thing that took away Sakura’s pain. It was hard to fall asleep though since heroin withdrawal caused insomnia. The discomfort caused by his other symptoms didn’t help, but he kept trying.
“Mm.” Sakura closed his eyes. Hyde stroked his hair and starting to sing. Sakura loved his voice and, even though it was a little childish, he enjoyed being sung to sleep when he didn’t feel well. The bartender couldn’t do much to ease his lover’s pain, but was happy that he could at least comfort him with his voice.
* * *
The second day was worse. Sakura was anxious, still feverish, his eyes kept watering, and he was tired from insomnia. He’d also developed stomach cramps and muscle pains all over his body. Even the simple action of sitting up for a glass of water hurt. Hyde brought him painkillers throughout the day, but those could only do so much. Sakura was also refusing the food he brought since heroin withdrawal killed the user’s appetite. He grudgingly ate some rice when Hyde insisted – then had to run to the bathroom to vomit. Hyde stopped giving him solid food after that and brought soup instead. Sakura could at least keep that down along with water and tea.
“Hey, Yacchan.” Hyde walked into their bedroom with a glass of water. Sakura was curled up on the bed in sweatpants and glanced up at his entrance. “I brought you some water.”
“Thanks.” Sakura winced as he dragged himself into a sitting position and held his hand out for the glass. Hyde gave it to him before taking a seat at his side. Poor Sakura looked so miserable. He had dark circles under his eyes and his sweaty hair clung to his skin.
“Can I get you anything else?” Hyde brushed his hair back. “Another washcloth?”
Sakura shook his head. “Not now.” He drained the glass and set it on the bedside table.
“No soup?” Hyde persisted. He knew Sakura wasn’t hungry, but kept trying to feed him anyway. He didn’t want his lover to starve and he needed to have as much energy as possible to make it through this.
“I don’t want any.” Sakura lay back against the pillows. Hyde squeaked as the other man grasped his arm and pulled him down to lie beside him. “I just want a fix so damn bad.” He draped his arm over Hyde’s waist and pressed him closer. “Heroin is all I can think about. It’s all I want.”
“You can’t have it though,” Hyde said quietly. “You know that.”
“I know.” Sakura shifted. “But I want it anyway. I keep daydreaming about leaving and going to the club. Buying heroin from Shiro and Takeshi… shooting up again.”
Hyde shook his head. “No, Yacchan. You can’t think about that.” He needed to think about getting clean, not relapsing.
“I know,” Sakura said shortly.
The bartender changed the subject. “Do you want a washcloth?” He brought Sakura damp washcloths throughout the day to wash the sweat away and to keep his skin cool. “Or more water?”
“No, I want you here.”
“Okay.” Hyde wrapped his arms around Sakura. “Keep fighting,” he whispered, kissing his lover’s forehead. They would wake up from this nightmare someday.
* * *
The third day was the worst yet. Hyde was prepared for this since withdrawal symptoms typically peaked around the third or fourth day. Sakura had the same symptoms he’d been experiencing for the last two days, but they were getting worse. He was in constant pain and had also developed psychological symptoms. He was depressed, irritable, and spent the day curled up in bed looking miserable or angry. Hyde wondered if this was the peak low for Sakura or if that would happen tomorrow.
The bartender sighed as he looked down at the washcloth in his hands. Watching Sakura go through this was hard. He looked like he was going through hell… and Hyde wasn’t feeling much better. Sakura was constantly snapping at him and demanding heroin. It was wearing him down and he was sick of being the target of his lover’s anger. Hyde had picked up smoking again and was going through a pack a day since it helped with the stress. Sakura always mocked him for being unable to quit when he smelled the cigarettes...
Hyde squeezed the excess water out of the washcloth before leaving the bathroom. He jumped as he heard something heavy fall to the ground – possibly his lover – and rushed into their bedroom. Sakura was on the floor with the sheets twisted about his legs. “Yacchan! Are you okay?”
“No.”
Hyde sighed. He hadn’t expected a positive answer. “Let’s get you back to bed.” He set the washcloth aside and eased his lover into a sitting position. Hyde moved to help Sakura to his feet, frowning as the other man resisted his efforts. Surely Sakura would prefer to lie in bed than on the floor?
“That won’t help.”
Hyde straightened. “Do you want to take a bath then?” The hot water helped ease Sakura’s pain and relax his sore muscles. And calmed him down since he was less snappish after a bath.
“No.” Sakura seized the front of his shirt and pulled him down to his level. “I’m sick of being in pain. Sick of feeling worse every damn day. I can’t… I can’t do this anymore.” Sakura looked up at him with desperate eyes. “I need heroin. Please. It’ll make everything better. All I need is one more hit. Just one more, then I can fight my addiction again.”
Hyde frowned and pulled away. “What are you saying?”
“I want you to buy heroin for me.” Sakura stroked his hair. “Will you do it? I’ll feel so much better if you do.”
The bartender grimaced. He knew his lover would ask that question. “No.”
Sakura frowned. “Why not? Don’t you love me?”
Hyde scowled. “Do you honestly think I would be here if I didn’t love you? Of course I love you.”
“If you love me so much, you’ll buy me heroin.” Sakura slowly got to his feet. He picked his wallet up off the bedside table and opened it, offering Hyde his money.
The bartender pushed Sakura’s hand away. “No. I promised I wouldn’t buy heroin no matter how desperate you are.”
Sakura frowned. “Please, Hyde. You don’t want me to be miserable… or do you?”
“Of course I don’t want you to be miserable!” How could Sakura even think that?
“Then go to the club. All I’m asking for is one more hit.”
“No you aren’t. One won’t satisfy you; you’ll want another hit. Then another. And another. I told you, I’m not going to do it. You have to get off heroin no matter how hard it is.”
Sakura offered him the money again. “I’ll keep suffering until you buy me heroin. My symptoms are going to get worse, Hyde. You know that. How will you feel as you watch me go through this and know that you could have helped me? I’ll be suffering because of you.”
Hyde tensed. Sakura had been irritable ever since stopping heroin, but this was the first time he’d been so nasty. The words hurt – especially since Hyde was weak against guilt trips. Sakura sometimes took advantage of that when he really wanted to get his way, but the bartender wouldn’t let the words get to him. Sakura could insult and accuse him all he wanted to, but he wouldn’t get anything. “I’m not going to do it…I promised you I wouldn’t do it.”
Sakura threw the money at Hyde, making him flinch at the unexpected action. “I need heroin like I need air. Shooting up again is all I want, but you’re too selfish to help me.” He curled up on the bed again. “I thought you loved me.”
“I do love you,” Hyde said, frowning. That was a low blow.
“Then why won’t you help me?”
“I am helping you by not buying heroin.” Hyde gave Sakura a stern look. “Don’t question my love. I stayed with you even though you kept using and lied to me about it. Others would have left already, but I stay because I love you so much. So don’t you dare use my love as a guilt trip.” He picked up Sakura’s wallet and put his money back inside.
“How are you helping me? You’re just being selfish.” Sakura gave Hyde an accusing look. “I don’t know why I thought you’d always be there for me. Clearly I was delusional since you haven’t really been there for me since I started using.”
Hyde felt like he’d been slapped. He had always been upset about the heroin and just wanted Sakura to quit, but he never stopped supporting him. He repeatedly told his lover to talk to him if he was having problems and was hurt when Sakura turned to a needle instead of him. Sure he had snapped at Sakura for using plenty of times, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t there for him. “Stop being a whiny, vindictive bastard. This isn’t you.”
“You-”
“No,” Hyde cut him off. “I hate your addiction and I get mad at you for still using, but I’ve never stopped supporting you. You asked me to help you quit so shut up and accept my help. Now get up so you can take a bath and don’t even think about asking me for heroin again. You got yourself into this mess and I’m going to help you out of it.”
Sakura scowled but got out of bed and followed him without further complaints.
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no subject
Date: 2012-09-22 10:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-23 01:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-23 08:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-24 02:40 am (UTC)Have Hyde with a popsicle as a gift!
no subject
Date: 2012-09-24 11:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-25 12:19 pm (UTC)I spotted a small typo. "Accepting his addition had been painful..." surely you'll see what's wrong. "Addiction"
I like how you give so much information about the withdrawal, without actually stressing all the symptoms. It's more like you're slowly easing into how it makes Hyde feel and all. I liked how this was written but somehow it didn't sound like the usualy you. xD It was good though and I'm on the lookout for more!!
^_^
no subject
Date: 2012-09-26 12:30 am (UTC)Oops >< *goes to correct*
I didn't know all that much about heroin when I started writing this story and I wanted the reader to know some of the process. Symptoms vary per person too so I basically just picked and chose to make Sakura's symptoms. lol that's probably because I hate this chapter XD
Hyde's having an identity crisis and jumping between this, yakuza, and prostitute so I'll see if I can get back to this. Once I pull him away from Asagi...
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Date: 2012-09-26 07:12 am (UTC)or anything like that. There's an idea in my head ... Hyde as an adult video actor. Yes let's just call him a porn star cause it's easier. xD
but I have too many ideas and actually no inspiration to write. At least I'm back to writing a little. Mostly oneshots and flash fiction. It's better than nothing? xD
Hyde can stay with Asagi for a while... In my head they're just cute together. And I'm totally not (yet) into D ... so that's strange but whatever. xD
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Date: 2012-09-27 12:19 am (UTC)Lol! That'd be interesting. This Hyde isn't doing it by choice though. He was blackmailed into it after taking out a loan he couldn't afford to pay back.
That's too bad. At least that's something! I'll catch up at some point, I just haven't been in much of a reading mood lately
Hyde's quite happy to do so XD He gets jealous when I write Asagi with Tsune. They are cute... my current favorite pairing to write. Lol I'm surprised you read my D stuff even though you're not into them but I'm happy you do XD
no subject
Date: 2013-11-26 04:42 am (UTC)I'm gonna go look at your other Hyde stuff now :3
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Date: 2013-11-26 05:32 am (UTC)There used to be more but I locked... probably 2/3 of my Hyde entries I think. I really disliked the fics and felt like they didn't express myself as a writer anymore
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Date: 2013-11-26 04:26 pm (UTC)I'm half tempted to ask to friend you so I can read them, out of curiosity! Still, if you don't want to friend me for that alone, that's fine. I understand XD I lurk and this is the most I've talked on LJ for.. a really long time.
no subject
Date: 2013-11-26 08:05 pm (UTC)They're private-locked. I used to write a lot of Gackt x Hyde fics but a couple months ago I decided to lock all of them. Clean up my journal. Oh? Wel I'm glad you talked a lot then :) And you can add me if you want to. I'll do the same